Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Hurricane Tips from a Category 5 Blowhard!

Hurricane Tips from a Category Five Blowhard!

Having endured many a hurricane, I have come to take the news media’s analysis of storms with some skepticism. It takes work to get to the truth when a storm is headed to the coast. The following is my attempt to give you good information based on experience. It is in speech format and was delivered to my Toastmasters Club.

Mr. Toastmaster, Fellow Toastmasters and Guest.


Opening:
After listening to my speech today, it is my hope that should we get hit by a major hurricane, I will not see you out on the street, destitute waiting for help and acting the fool. Or perhaps on TV saying something like, “I just didn’t know the storm was going to be that bad!”

Today I am going to give you some tips for enduring hurricanes that may not only save your life but help you enjoy yourself during the storm. So let get started.

Body:
First things first.
1. Number one, get the hurricane guide from the newspaper or a TV station and read it. Now throw it away! Just kidding! There is some good stuff in it. Hold on to it. You will need it later.
2. Your first major decision when a storm is coming is; to stay or go. I am going to give help with this. The answer is in the Bible! The scriptures tell us that if your house is built on the sand, GO. If you house is built on the rock, you can stay or you can go. If you live below sea level, go. If you live in the “sketchy” part of the floodplain, go. If you live above the 100 year floodplain, you can stay or you can go. If you live in a mobile home, for the love of God man, GO! If you live in a new up to date home constructed to withstand hurricanes, you can stay or go. I have never left when a storm hit but I will leave if a big one comes if only to keep from ending up on TV “acting the fool!”
3. Do all the things ahead of time in the hurricane guide and have a “ready to go” kit prepared.
4. If you do all those things in the guide, you will not have much left to do when a storm is eminent but don’t let that stop you from going to the store at the last minute. It is fun to go to the grocery store and watch the mayhem as people scamper for a few scraps of bread. I recommend you fight tooth and claw for the last 5 cans of Vienna Sausages even if you have sworn off canned mystery meats. You can always trade them for other goods if the big one hits. The cans even float! Let me be clear about this; if you aren’t willing to come out of the Food Lion with a black eye and a mangled loaf of Wonder Bread, you don’t love your family enough!
5. At home do not tape up your windows. You’ll thank me for this later. If you have a concern about windows or sliding doors, have someone make up plywood covers which you can set in place should you feel the need to cover up the east or northeast sides of your home. You can see me about this later for details.
6. You need enough gas in your gas grill to cook the contents of your freezer.
7. There are two things vital for your survival during a storm; a votive candle, matches and a deck of cards. Now don’t burn down the house with the candle! Put the candle in a jar so blowing sections of the newspaper don’t catch the house on fire. There you are, not only blaming the newspaper for your lot in life but you are the lead article because your house burnt down! Personally, I don’t know how the newspaper gets away with it? Each day they deliver a flammable material coated with a hazardous substance to every home in town while writing about the evils of companies polluting the environment.
8. Actually, a pen and paper are good to have as well so you can write a speech about your hurricane experience. Again, don’t let the paper get near the candle and burn your house down! That is a different speech entirely!
9. You will want to have the TV on the national weather channel ONLY just to keep track of the storm. Local TV will lie to you, they can’t help it. It’s their 15 minutes of fame. Liars, every last one! Go national.
10. Do not, I repeat, do not listen to the TV but mute the sound. You just want to keep track of the longitude and latitude not what is being said. The barometric pressure is good to know as well. Plot the storm on the hurricane map in the guide.
11. No one really cares that some fool weatherman is standing outside in the storm being blown all over the place and telling you at the same time to stay indoors. “Look, there's Al Roker, acting the fool!”
12. Storms make you sleepy, so sleep. Look out the windows often and comment on the big branch that just fell with comments like, “I told him he should have trimmed up that tree” or I knew that tree was too close to the house!”. “No one listens to me.”

After the Storm
13. After the storm, if you have to drive, don’t drive through water unless you can see the pavement through it. Drive slowly in the middle of the road and open your door if necessary to look at the payment. Do not, I repeat, do not drive fast thinking you are just going to push through a flooded street! You’re going to be on TV!
14. Most importantly, after the storm, be cautious about inspecting the damage. Avoid power lines, outdoor electrical boxes, etc. Now don’t go wading through the water up to your behind! That’s just silly.
15. Don’t feel you have to clean up everything as soon as the storm leaves. Relax. More injuries occur after the storm than during it. Chain saw mishaps, heat exhaustion, bee stings. Bees get confused and angry during storms, a lot like your neighbors.
16. Take your time cleaning up. The government is going to take their time in hauling away the mess. You can take your time in moving debris to the road. Let me say that another way, there is no prize for being the first one in your neighborhood to clean up your yard.
17. If you are really bored after the storm, go down and sit in the emergency room waiting area. It is air conditioned. When someone ask if the can help you say, “No, I’m just here for the speech material.”
18. After the storm. Kiss your loved ones. Check on your neighbors. Share your resources. Thank God almighty and let us celebrate that we have survived another storm and live to fight Mother Nature another day.

Closing:

If you will follow my advice before, during and after the next storm you will be able to:
Most likely survive the storm,
Have some fun in the process,
Get a good speech out of it and most importantly,
Avoid being caught on TV, acting the fool!

Let’s all pull together this year and have a safe and entertaining hurricane season.

Mr. Toastmaster.